Relearning myself through surviving sexual abuse

I never really knew where it came from or who was the one to determine that some humans are more valuable than others, but I always felt undervalued and worthless. I felt less than everyone around me. I always knew I belonged to the back of the line. I knew my place. Therefore, I was always hiding and questioning everything good that happened to me because I didn't think I was deserving.

I grew up angry at myself and punished my inner child for allowing herself to be in places she wasn't supposed to be. How couldn't she make better choices for herself, I often asked. Through high school, I spent my days looking for my worth in the hands of the boys that gave me their attention. I used to be content with the minimal effort from the person I was with because it felt like just being with me was already enough. This often left me feeling isolated, depressed and alone. I was always unsuccessful in finding my worth in the love others could give me.

As I continue to grow and find myself as an individual, the long-term effect of child abuse continued to show up in my life in many forms. I had days when I would isolate myself from everyone to be alone and cry my regrets away. I didn't know why but in those moments, I felt small, my emotions felt naked and out in the open, and the only thing that helped me was embracing myself and hiding under my sheets. Sometimes even a comfortable bed felt too much a luxury for me and I’d find myself crying on the floor. I didn't know what it meant to be or feel happiness just because. I was confident that happiness was on the other side of achieving big life milestones. But then I graduated high school and college, settled in a good job, and even wrote a book and got married to the sweetest soul. And somehow, the symptoms were still showing and getting more severe each time.

I educated myself through reading many many books and articles, and it wasn't until I heard someone share their own experience of being a victim of sexual abuse that something in me resonated. I began to ask myself questions, like did my inner child know what she was doing? No. How did she end up in this situation? I don't know. The truth is that she wasn't old enough even to know the answers to these questions, so I remorsefully felt deeply sorry for her (my inner child). I didn't know what to do for a child left alone when she needed to be protected. I didn't know what to do with a child that needed healing, and all I ever did was judge her and dismiss her experience for something that wasn't even her fault.

I had to relearn everything about myself and my upbringing. I knew I needed gentleness to navigate through life. I felt angry because my life could have been different. I thought he took everything away from me. I was mad that maybe he always lived a normal life and my life, on the other hand, was marked forever.

I decided to start therapy to learn how I could best be the support that I needed. I can tell you that it's been a life-saving journey. As I move through a new phase in life, I'd love to continue to share and be vocal about healing from child sexual abuse.

I'm thankful to have found my faith and learned where my value comes from. I'm thankful to that person for sharing her story because it led me to find my path to restoration. I'd love to share my experience with therapy and how I've been progressing, but this would be another self-love letter.